My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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