if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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