I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
