sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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