WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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