I think I died a long time ago.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
