I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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