Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
