I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
