Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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