It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
