got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
