I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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