his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
