Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
In America we eat man semen.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize