I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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