he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
