Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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