he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
