Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
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