in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
