Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
