I should be sponsored by Trojan
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
