i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
