please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
