i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
