every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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