You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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