and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize