I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
