Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
