I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
