i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Panties = found
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
