And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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