the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
