I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize