My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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