Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
