Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
im holly from the hills drunk
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
