Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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