the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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