i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
