so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
