you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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