can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize