Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
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