Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
