Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
