Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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