don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
