Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
