hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
