Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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