Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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