You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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