Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
