Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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