Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
