I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
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