You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
