my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
