just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
