I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
