what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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