seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize